by Torri Singer
Do you often take your sweet old time walking in a crowded hall? Have you ever experienced the sensation that those unfortunate enough to get stuck behind you are actually tailgating you with their bodies? Are you that friend who has gotten lost in the crowd at the movie theater more than once because your legs seem to be speed-impaired? Do your feet drag?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you are an Obnoxious Glacial Walker. OGW’s are apparent in different walks of life, though the walk itself remains consistent in its pace: slow. There are no multiple speeds in your capacity of performance, because you’ve obviously been the unfortunate recipient of the short end of the gene pool, or otherwise are dealing with the side effects of a serious case of bitter jerk.
OGW’s move in slow motion, and view the halls, malls, parks and sidewalks of the world as opportunities to piss off as many non-OGW civilians as possible. You sloths are sometimes oblivious to the fact that you cause discomfort to those around you who have places to go, things to do, and little patience to spare along the way.
Worst case scenarios include: narrow corridors where hip checking and possible attempted passing of OGW’s are epic fails, and super markets (shudder). Unfortunately, specific variations of the OGW have certain advantages. Elderly OGW’s for instance, can blame their osteoporosis, calcium deficiencies, and aching backs on their slow strides. The rest of us often accept this annoyance with a calming deep breath, and move (slowly) on.
We cannot ignore a second addition to the species, however: the dating couple OGW’s. This variation falls into the grey area, and can be partially excused due to temporary insanity. I mean, who could be classifiably sane when they are willing to cause a traffic jam of seething passersby in order to put on a free show of PDA without first offering monetary reimbursement for the nausea that is sure to ensue? Or at the very least those little airplane throw-up bags? It’d be the least they can do for their slow-paced demonstration of undying love for one another, yet the brains of these OGW’s are too overflowing with puppy love mush to recognize their lack of consideration for those around them.
However, if you are a lone, young, mobile OGW, the rest of the world’s got a bone to pick with you. MOVE out of the way! If I am already late to class because of my negligence to regard my alarm clock, followed by a bad hair day and a car that’s reluctant to start, I just cannot afford to deal with the fact that your legs have gone into auto pilot and your eyes have begun to glaze over. I may be forced to physically bulldoze through you to remedy both of our situations. This way I can get where I’m going at a faster pace than a melting chunk of ice, and perhaps you, OGW, will wake up and move it.