by Ellie Halfacre
I need to talk to you about some stuff. I know you’re my right-hand man and all, but you’ve been crashing at our place for a while now. Seven months to be exact. I don’t think you are even looking for a home anymore, and you’re cramping my style. It isn’t healthy to have a Wookiee[i] living with you and your wife. Now I’m not calling you just any Wookiee all right? Okay, let me explain.
First off, this bathroom situation is out of control. You need to stop using Luke[ii]’s light saber to shave. The last time he needed it, he didn’t have it because you were trimming your back. As bathroom etiquette, it’s also natural to snag your tennis-ball sized hair clumps from the shower drain. It’s disgusting, buddy. You also take forever in the shower. I know you have a lot to shampoo, but you walk out of there with a cloud of steam following you. It feels like Yavin 4[iii] when I walk in there, but by the time I turn on the water it is like I transported to Hoth[iv]. Next thing you know I will be hallucinating about Obi-Wan Kenobi[v]. Leia[vi] is also getting sick of the amount of time you spend blow-drying. Borrowing her brushes isn’t cool, and she needs them to create that cinnamon bun hair-do. You know how much I love that hair-do, man. Don’t take away my pigtail buns.
You have also been taking out your frustration on us. I SHOT FIRST CHEWIE. Don’t act like Greedo[vii] shot first; he didn’t shoot at all. Its bull crap and it upsets me when you say I didn’t. It’s just insensitive. Also the Alderaan[viii] jokes are just cruel; you made Leia cry. I would punch you, but you have that height thing going for you, so I’m writing a letter. Also, it’s appropriate for Leia to ride shotgun sometimes. You need to respect that and not throw a hissy about it. You’re lucky Leia can’t understand your bad mouthing. You’re starting to cross the line.
Actually, you crossed the line when you brought a baby Ewok[ix] to our house and called it your new pet. That’s kidnapping and it’s illegal. Don’t think I didn’t notice you bringing extra food to your room. Using the Jedi mind trick[x] doesn’t work for you, it actually made me more suspicious when you said, “These are not the woklings[xi] you are looking for.” I know it’s in there, and it is just wrong.
There’s other stuff too, buddy. Taking the Millennium Falcon[xii] for a joy ride? Really? At least invite me to come with you! You don’t even pay for gas. Lando[xiii] at least gave it back to me with a full tank.
This is all really out of character for you. You are intelligent and a big ol’ teddy bear most of the time, but lately you just haven’t been acting like a good co-pilot. If you need any help getting an apartment or condo, I know some great places on Endor[xiv] if you’re interested. There is also a place open on the north side of the planet that I think would be perfect for you, and its close. Don’t let this get to you Chewie; we’re just trying to help.
Your best bud,
[i] A species of hairy and tall humanoids from the planet Kashyyyk
[ii] Luke Skywalker, the legendary Jedi and main character of the Star Wars series
[iii] A moon of the gas giant Yavin, well known for it’s hot jungles and tropical rainforests
[iv] A desolate planet known for it’s freezing climate and icy landscape
[v] A wise Jedi Master close to Luke Skywalker for a short time before his death, who Luke visions while on Hoth
[vi] Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan, main character and love interest to Han Solo
[vii] Bounty hunter to the crime lord Jabba the Hut, who has garnered fan attention over speculation “who shot first” in Episode IV: A New Hope
[viii] Princess Leia’s home plant, which was ordered to be destroyed by Grand Moff Tarkin
[ix] A species from Endor known for their teddy-bear like appearance
[x] The ability to influence and control other’s minds through the Force
[xi] A baby Ewok
[xii] The large and fast spacecraft commanded by Han Solo and his first mate Chewbacca
[xiii] Lando Calrissian won the Millennium Falcon for a short time from Han Solo
[xiv] A small forest moon