by Torri Singer
While your screechingly thick Boston accent shouting “All Hail the Red Sox!!!!” in my ear could act as a human alarm clock, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t your intent, so if you could kindly shut it and let me continue watching this televised recap of a game that aired a week ago, it would be greatly appreciated. But let’s not narrow the spectrum. It is a common misconception that I feel needs to be cleared up, that Obsessive Compulsive Crazed Fans are strictly limited to the world of sports fanatics. This however, my judgmentally sane friends; is not the case.
OCCF’s come in all shapes and sizes, and from all corners of the world. They come in packs dressed as Harry Potter and Hermione at the midnight viewing of Harry Potter. They sport t-shirts confessing their undying love, and let’s be real –
outwardly displaying their creepiness – with things like “Mrs. Jonas” written in sharpie across their chests. (Note to reader: if ever you find yourself sporting a similar tee, know that the rare chance of the straightened haired, lip gloss wearing, boy band member star choosing you, the oddly shameless specimen out of a crowd at his Teen Disney concert to actually become his wife is just that; RARE.)
I’m against stereotyping people. But OCCF’s are really the same across the board. Whether you find yourself a classifiable Edward Cullen loon or a Steelers die-hard fan, you’ve developed an innate ability to intimidate your opponent (AKA the opposite team or the occasional unobsessed clueless kid (me)) and to ensure a reaction at the very least. Your tactics may be defective, but you definitely deserve a standing ovation for your uncanny ability to scare, shock and entertain your prey. Kudos to you, OCCF‘s, who have collectively managed to dedicate entire websites, themed parties, and dare I say wedding receptions to your un-clinically diagnosed disorder.
OCCF’s are the reason that celebrities have security guards, am I right? You are the people we read horror stories about in magazines, hoping you don’t inhabit the humble abode to the left or right of our own. We know you’re out there, bragging during your lunch breaks about the used Miley Cyrus Kleenex you bid for on Ebay the night before. Just because you’re pounding Red Bulls like it’s your job and still look kind of tired doesn’t mean we needed to know the thirty-minute story behind your inadequate rest. Same goes to those of you parading around with an “authentic” lock of Pete Wentz’s hair. Give it a rest; this is all getting a little weird.
So in addition, I think it’s important to acknowledge those who have yet to cross the line between respectful admirer and crazy nut job. Yes I am talking to you, future OCCF who is not yet completely consumed by your time-sucking “hobby.”
Those of you who have yet to unveil your true selves to the world, lets get a few things straight. Extreme fanships are the root of pure evil. Think of your loved ones, you may be hitting a nerve when you reveal your creepy passion for The Backstreet Boys over N*Sync or Biggie over Tupac. Imagine a family torn between Bill O’Reilly and John Stewart? The giants and the Jets? Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks? The rivalries are endless and the blowouts are brutal.
Be careful, you may end up being the reason that the family reunions are few and far between in years to come. So assuming you’ve wised up and concluded that your energy would be better focused on say… your own life and relations, I’ll put your mind to ease. I know you probably don’t want the Britney Spears shrines in your closets to be exposed to the public, nor would you be comfortable with some anonymous being revealing your Zac Effron sticker collections to your classmates. So try to keep your obsessions in check, and the rest of us will keep our lips sealed.