by Elizabeth Illiano
Dear Snookie, J-Wow, Sammy Sweatheart, The Situation, Vinny, Ronny, Pauly-D, and MTV Viewers,
I have a bone to pick with you. Since the recent airing of MTV’s show, The Jersey Shore, I’ve faced wildly untrue accusations. You see, I (unlike the people on the show) live on the Jersey Shore, the real Jersey Shore, and every time someone catches wind of this, I’m bombarded with the same, obnoxious questions about the stereotypes you have assigned to me. No, I do not know Snookie and I was not there when she got punched out. My skin is not orange and there is no Bump-It atop my head. I do not fist pump, nor do I spend all of my time at sketchy clubs in Seaside Heights. And this rings true for the rest of us natives.
The people you see on the show are the BENNYs. And the fact that you’re wondering what a Benny is just further proves that you are, indeed, one of them. We’ve been tolerating you tourists here “down the shore” for years, decades really, but recently our contempt has been heightened to such a magnitude because your behavior is out of control. It’s one thing to take over our beaches, it’s another to try to represent us to an entire nation. The last thing we need are people in Oregon thinking every guido resides in our neighborhood.
Although this may shock you, America, guidos are not from New Jersey; they actually inhabit the Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, and New York regions for the winter months and migrate here for the summer. In doing so, they quadruple the amount of traffic, take up our parking spots, fail to get around in a convenient manner, trash our beaches, and really piss us off. Now is it really fair to go ahead and make a show like The Jersey Shore, too? I think that’s pushing it. We’ve been mildly patient with you for all this time, but this is just getting ridiculous and we’re putting our feet down.
Benny, go home and think about what you’ve done. Don’t come back here to plague our hometowns until you can accept the people we truly are without fist pumping in our faces to see if we join in. Frankly, you look foolish (but if the shoe fits…). When you can manage to accomplish that, maybe things can go back to the way they were before… when the natives were merely irritated with your presence, and not completely livid.
Your aggravated local,
*Image from: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://blog.ticketleap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Jersey-Shore