An Open Letter to Rebecca Black

by Devan Cappelli


Dear Rebecca Black (and by extension, Ark Music Factory),

Oh, the humanity!

Just because you post a music video on YouTube doesn’t mean you are going to end up like Justin Bieber.  Looking at the video, which I’ve had the misfortune of watching over and over again since it has gone viral, I happened to notice that you have a whopping 109,291,371 views.  However, off these views, I also noticed that over half of them are ‘dislikes.’  This, by the way, is exponentially more than ustin Bieber’s “Baby” video.  And I can’t say I disagree with the vast majority.  Listening to your new song “Friday” quite frankly makes me want to bash my head against a brick wall.

For starters, the song is awful.  A four year old child could write better lyrics.  Rebecca, no one cares which seat you want to sit in. We understand that you are very confused about where you should sit but WE DON’T CARE!  Not to mention, how old are you, anyway?  Should your friends really be driving?

Another point I’d like to make is everyone knows that Friday comes before Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards. You’re not some rocket scientist who’s spouting secrets of the universe.  And Rebecca, one of your friend’s hands is a dolphin–just thought you should tell him so he can get that checked out.

Completely unsafe...and absurd.

But it’s alright, Rebecca, because you’re not the only one to blame.  The president of Ark Music Factory is truly the biggest con artist I’ve ever heard of. You allow 12-year-old girls to make music videos and embarrass themselves in front of millions of people.  It’s interesting to me that this type of humiliation goes for about $2,000.  For this small lump sum, you  produce it and write a song for them. In other words, this travesty is YOUR FAULT.

I mean, that’s pretty shallow considering your company is just getting its name besmirched because of this ONE song. Imagine all the others you allow to be written and produced. The only thing this is truly bringing you is bad publicity and tons of money, which while not a totally bad deal is a relatively dishonorable one.  If I were you I’d appreciate the satisfaction of good publicity and no money so maybe just maybe some celebrities would think about partnering with you.

Rebecca, you are one in a million, truly. I wish the best to you, that creepy rapper who shows up for about 10 seconds during your song, and your ailing friend with the dolphin hand…

Best of Wishes,

Devan Cappelli


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