Happy Holiday Thoughts of 2011

by Megan

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The single mom(35)

Dear Diary,

My eyes are closing slowly as I’m writing right now, three hours of sleep later. Max couldn’t get to bed last night, but who could blame him! This time thirty years ago, I know I wouldn’t have either. It was Christmas Eve for goodness’ sake; you can’t get too mad at a five-year-old boy. But honestly, going to bed at one in the morning…he’s going to have growing defects or something. Not to mention he sprang out of bed three hours later to the dog walking around downstairs, so he sprinted down to get a glimpse of the big man himself. This was about the point that I was so rudely awaken by the thud of him falling down every single stair on his butt; the wondrous effects of socks on hardwood floors. At any rate, several tears and icepacks later, this experience ultimately made the effect of opening presents that much more satisfying. Santa even went to the extreme in making Max a brand new Star Wars Lego set. What a nice guy….

Off to bed,

Mom

The average teenage girl(16)

Dear Diary,

This is literally, like, the worst possible scenario I could be in. It’s finally winter break, and what do I have to do but wake up to Max crying his eyes out because he fell down the stairs. It was his fault! He can’t expect to be mentally stable at four in the morning; it’s not normal for anyone. So Mom made me like, sit downstairs until the brat got a grip. It was obvious he wasn’t even hurt because he sprung up and ran to the tree to see what he got. I’m not even interested in presents anymore. I just ask for like gift cards and stuff, everything is so juvenile. So when Max ran over to his new presents I sat down with my stocking, pulled out two gift cards, some lip gloss, and the ugliest pair of sunglasses I’ve ever seen. Disgraceful job, Santa. Pull it together next year.

SOS,

Mandy

Family Dog

Dear Diary,

I LOVE THE HOLLIDAYS! Oh my gosh, this is the best day of my life. The kid hasn’t touched me once! I woke up as early as possible in hopes that Master would wake up, and she did! Not only that, but I got to watch the kid fall down every single step on his butt; funniest moment of my life. I’ve been waiting for this day forever! He is so annoying! He just sits there and plays with my ears and pulls my hair, and if I ever do one small thing to stand my ground I’m the one that gets kicked out! Ah, it looked quite painful I must admit, and the satisfaction I felt had to be a sin. He must have been okay, though because he just sat there moping around for a bit, and once Master babied him a little, he ran right over to those shiny boxes under the tree. I absolutely love having the tree – the bathroom has never been closer to home. Not only that, but I find the best stuff under there! My last trip I snatched a whole pack of skittles. I threw up on the carpet after, but it was worth it! It truly is the most wonderful time of the year…

Woof woof,

Fido

The Tree

Dear Diary,

Someone tell the lady to stop watering me; I’d rather die than live in this hell they call a home. I am so unappreciated in life; I can’t do it anymore. I had a great childhood in the nursery; I was healthy, happy, and had many friends. Then they tore our lives apart by amputating the roots right from under us with the loudest cutting device I have ever seen. They then proceeded to throw me onto a conveyer belt to be wrapped in neon orange mesh and transported for many days to come. When we all arrived my mesh was removed and I was left hitched to a metal post, bare naked in the middle of what looked like a farm. I felt so violated; people regularly sifted through my branches and called out every flaw they could possibly see. Then, as if that wasn’t traumatic enough, one woman finally saw no flaw in me. I was so happy to finally be appreciated, and I figured the new home would be like a dream come true, right? Wrong. Several branches were severed from my trunk in the process of being skinned bare of my mesh again, and then the dog peed on me as soon as I got inside. Such disrespect. And don’t even get my started about this whole decorating thing; honestly wht is the point in that? Most of them don’t even look nice, with variations ranging from tacky Hallmark holiday ones to the plastic spheres drowned in glitter that the kids made. My role in life is to be used to cover the toys on Christmas Day, and nothing more. So what will I do when all the boxes are gone? I cant even bare to think of what will happen next. I am done with this life.

I feel like a waste of space,

Eve the Evergreen

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