Famous Williams Power Rankings

by Billy

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Candidates:

Bill Gates– Probably the most intelligent of the William’s, but his lack of swagger hurts him. He is one of the richest men alive, and his prestige is off the charts. If he ever dated, or even talked to a super model without profusely sweating and stammering, Mr. Gates would have won quite easily. Alas, this is not the case.

William Wallace– He rode into battle in order to defend his home and fellow Scotts. In the movie Braveheart, he wooed women using his mastery of the French language, which wasn’t even his native tongue. Swagger was his middle name. Unfortunately, he was poorer than I am, and therefore will not take the top spot.

William Shakespeare– His name itself is pratically an innuendo, and the plays he wrote while wearing green tights are still read today by kids wearing jeans and flannels. He obviously did something right. There are rumors circulating that his work was plagiarized, and if it was then he did a spectacular job of keeping it quiet all this time.

Billy Joel– Joel is the master of the piano. His songs have become classics, and will most likely remain that way for generations to come. He is the piano man.

Bill Nye the Science Guy– This guy had a weird show that I never watched, yet somehow his name stuck out in my head. Somebody somewhere thought it would be a good idea to make a Bill Nye the Science Guy game on the computer, so I have to give him that at least. It might not have sold, but most people aren’t featured in video games.

Bill Clinton– This guy was the president of this great country at one point, which gives him an automatic ten in the prestige category.  While his presidency included some scandal, he balanced the national budget, and was the butt of many jokes on Saturday Night Live.  In other words, he’s the man.

Willy Wonka– Wonka made the coolest inventions known to man in his crazy laboratory built from “pure imagination.”   Bill Gates probably snuck into his factory and stole Microsoft from Willy, but Willy wouldn’t care because he seemed to be more focused on edible inventions. You can’t eat Microsoft.

Bill Cosby– Bill Nye’s computer game has nothing on Cosby’s classic show. Between Kids Say the Darndest Things and his epic sweaters, Cosby bleeds swagger.

Billy The Kid– The Kid was a notorious thug in the wild west. The phrase “Wanted Dead or Alive” probably came to be because The Kid was just that kind of menace. Crime isn’t good, but Billy The Kid knew how to capitalize on the lack of technology, and therefore became infamous. His story is told in one of Joel’s songs as well. He had women, money, and almost as much swagger as Cosby himself.

Willie “White Shoes” Johnson– White Shoes was an extremely fast football player that never let his 5’ 9” stature keep him off of the field. His notoriety derived from his elaborate touchdown celebrations in a time where celebrations were not regularly performed.

Criteria- Each category is scored from 1 to 10, with 10 being the best.

-Swagger: The ability to attract.
-Has a unique style or form.
-Power of persuasion and smoothness.
-Prestige: Personal accomplishments.
-How the public views the candidate.
-Wealth: Net worth.
1. Billy The Kid- 9, 9, 7= 25
2. William Shakespeare- 9, 9, 5= 23
3. Billy Joel- 8, 8, 7= 23
4. Willy Wonka- 7, 8, 8= 23
5. Bill Clinton- 9, 9, 4=22
6. Bill Gates- 1, 10, 10= 21
7. William Wallace- 9, 9, 3= 21
8. Bill Cosby- 8, 7, 6= 21
9. Billy “White Shoes” Johnson- 9, 5, 5= 19
10. Bill Nye The Science Guy- 3, 5, 5= 13

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